If you are ready to smack your bad azz little ones...WAiT! 

There is help. 

Call or email my girl. She is casting for the ABC hit, 

Supernanny. Make sure you tell her you know 

me. That should shoot you straight to the top of the list. 

They will know you are definitely dysfunctional then. 

Here's the info:

Are your children driving you nuts? 

Had enough sassy back talk, disrespect and shenanigans?  

CALL SUPERNANNY CASTING AT 

213.925.3382

OR E-MAIL CASTINGBYKSTONE@GMAIL.COM   

ABC is looking for families with children (toddlers to teens) to take part in the hit television series 

featuring Jo Frost, America’s #1 nanny!

Bronson is 2 and has never watched a tv show.

That really shouldn't be a big deal.

He's 2.

But somehow, many moms are surprised to hear that.

I would love to say it's because of my righteous beliefs in family togetherness. Or my support of some really smart Harvard study. Or because I was so inspired by highly acclaimed Pediatricians and their negative views on toddlers and tv watching.

Nope.

It is 100% PURE SELFISHNESS.

I cannot stand those whiny cartoon voices. Not to mention how their catchy signature theme songs stick in your head all day. OMG. That is so annoying.

I have 2 kids pulling on me all day. After hearing "mommy mommy", the last thing I want is.....wait a minute.....I was about to say something really obnoxious and insert the Elmo theme song >here< but just realized, I DON'T EVEN KNOW IT!!!!!!! Hooray! HALLELLUYER! This is a victory in and of itself. (I'm doing the Hip Hop Harry dance right now...Go Harry! Go Harry!....ok, I'll admit I did enjoy watching Hip Hop Harry when Mo was younger, but THAT'S IT).

So...as for Bronson. No silly, mindless, high pitched, whiny cartoons for him. Nope, my boy will eventually be exposed to the good stuff...Oprah, Gossip Girl, Desperate Housewives, Brett Favre highlights. 

That's what I call parenting.

Independence Day honors the birthday of the United States of America and the signing of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776.

It's a day of picnics and patriotic parades, a night of concerts and fireworks, a great reason to fly the American flag and sing the Star Spangled Banner.

Here are 2 of my favorite renditions of our National Anthem.

Morris at 22 months old, and Whitney Houston.

Both of them give me chills.

Which one is your favorite?

As a mom, I try to make the holidays fun for the kids.

I want them to enjoy childhood and the innocence and fun of being a kid.

So, when the Fourth of July started rolling around, I started thinking about a fun family tradition.

Fireworks came to mind, but then I remembered I have an insane, rough and tough 5 year old and a curious 1 year old. Matches, fire, and explosions are probably not the best thing for us to be experimenting with in the backyard.

Baking is fun and easy. Sugar is a key ingredient, and it requires minimal use of knives and a hot oven. Maybe Morris will be game.

The "Flag Cake" seemed like a very appropriate recipe for celebrating the Fourth. It's a recipe from Ina Garten (The Barefoot Contessa on the Food Network). I love her style of classic elegance. I was ready to take it on.

Before I proceed I must warn you that I have a cooking dysfunction. I am "recipe intolerant." This means that no matter what the recipe says, I never follow it completely. I don't know why. But for some reason, butter, cream cheese, and sugar always seem to make their way into everything I cook (even if it's mac and cheese).Since these were already in the recipe, it seemed like a winner.

This recipe was for a very large cake. Immediately I strayed from Ina's instructions. I cut the recipe in half to make a smaller version. Well, I sort of threw in extra butter, sugar, and vanilla. As for the icing, I used the same ingredients, but again I did my own thing as far as the portions go.

I also changed the flag "toppings". She used blueberries and raspberries. I used blackberries and strawberries. Subtle differences to accommodate my picky palette.

Nonetheless, it turned out great. The cake has pretty thick texture similar to a pound cake. I made the traditional cream cheese icing (the same one I use for Hummingbird Cake, Red Velvet, and Carrot Cake).

I had fun making and eating it with the boys. We will definitely add it to our 4th of July family traditions.

And just for added fun, we lit candles and sang happy birthday to America.

Mo is really good in math.

I would like to say it's genetic (I'm GREAT with numbers).

I think it's more from real life situations dealing with numbers, money, and counting.

We have a new weekend tradition: BLACKJACK NIGHT!

Now, before you get all up in arms, I cannot take credit for teaching him 21. He learned it at school. I picked him up one afternoon and he didn't wanna leave because he was engrossed in a serious battle of Blackjack with an after school teacher. They were playing for Saltine crackers and Hershey's kisses.

To make it fun (for me), we use candy as the stakes/reward at home. We don't bet. You are just rewarded a small "treat" when you win a hand. Once you collect 5 small treats, you can trade them in for a bigger "treat".

I let Mo count the cards for both of us. See, this is an educational experience.

My baby is so cultured.

World Poker Tour is next!!!

The booty!

When Morris was in preschool, some parents put together a laminated placemat as an end of year momento for the students. Even though Morris has parted from his preschool comrades, he still enjoys using the placemat at mealtime.

One night at dinner he requested it and was occupied so nicely having "conversations" with all his buddies.

Look at all the nice smiling faces from Mo's preschool days.

Little did I know what my "sweet" Mo was up to.

The school owner and teachers got a heavy dose of Mo's artistic skills.

Teacher Carolyn was spared "because she likes Brett Favre." (That's my boy!)

No mercy!

At least he's loyal. No Sharpie makeover for himself or his preschool girlfriends, Samantha and Devin.

Taking a shower is my 5 minutes of freedom.

No kids. No worries. Just me and the water.

So as I open the shower door, I'm shocked when I hear a little voice say, "hi mommy."

And not just any voice, it's Morris and he's using that cunning little voice he uses like when he's about to ask for a popsicle even though he just ate 3, or the same voice when it's bedtime and he wants "just 5 more minutes please."

But here's the kicker, he undresses me with his eyeballs not once, but TWICE. Yes! He looked me up and down like one of those dirty scummy guys in a nightclub that you spend all night avoiding eye contact with because you know he's gonna ask you to dance or try to buy you a cheap drink. 

I felt so violated, and by a 5 year old. OMG.

It made me think of the time I walked into the bathroom and saw my mom taking a bath. It totally grossed me out. 

Then, I began to worry that Morris would have the same after effects having just seen me in my birthday suit.

So, we had a conversation (after I dressed).

Me: Hey Morris.

Peeping Tom: (in that cunning voice)....HI MOM (eyebrow lift, eyebrow lift).

Me: So, ummm, let's see....

Morris: (interrupting)...I know you said I couldn't marry my cousin when I got older.

Me: Yes, that's right. You can't marry your cousin.

Morris: And if I have a sister, I can't marry her either.

Me: Yes, that's correct.

Morris: Well, can I marry my MOM?

Ok, my kid's gonna be fine.

Sometimes I just sit back and watch my boys. I try and calculate their next move. But, especially Morris because he is such a wild child.

Like, could I really guess he was gonna climb to the top of the granite fountain and jump down just before all 8 feet of the cascading waterfall came crashing on the pavement?

But, in watching Morris, I have made a few conclusions.

He's a pretty cool  kid. Very laid back.

He even matches his tattoos with his gear. Usually superhero of some sort.

He also has a really silly and sweet side.

I wonder where he gets these wonderful traits...

Morris is smitten with girls.

His whole energy changes when he's around them.

Seriously, he literally melts and gets all coy and playful.

We're talking about a kid that picks up dead animals with his bare hands.

A boy with a right hook like no other.

Someone who will drop kick you faster than you can say, "NO!".

He gets this dreary look in his eyes, this sparkle, that I have noticed lately whenever he has a connection with a female friend.

I'm sure this is normal, but it makes me fast forward about 10 years from now. I am so not ready for that.

I'll just enjoy the innocence and pureness of it now.

And any little Biatchhhh that breaks my boy's heart will be answering to me.

I'm gonna be the hussy filter.

I must really love you guys.

I went deep into the trenches for ya'll.

Got Milk? hosted a great event at bld, a great hip LA restaurant.

I was forced into sampling over 10 different milkshakes and an onslaught of homemade pastries.

The theme was "What a Milkshake Says About Your Personality."

This was up Mo's alley, so I figured I'd earn some cool points and take him.

I had more fun than he did.

He ended up playing with a slinky the whole time.

What on Earth was my kid doing???!!!

So much for my trusty assistant.

It was my mission to try all the milkshake flavors so I could report accurately to you guys.

The result of my milkshake/personality test:

Salted Caramel: For a person who is sassy and sweet.

Really? ME, sassy? Obviously, sweet, but sassy? NEVER!

Ironically, this is the absolute last one I tasted. I avoided it because I hate salt and thought it would be gross. It wasn't. It was much better than gross. It was great.

I want one now.